Be my best friend. No, seriously. Please be my best friend.

You made my subway ride home at 1am a million times better.

This is what happened in the moments leading to you getting on my train: I had been standing on the platform at 36th Street in Brooklyn for at least forty minutes waiting for the dreaded R train. The sense of relief when the train finally arrived was insane. I just wanted to be home.

And then you arrived on the N train across the platform. And just as the doors to the N opened, the doors to the R closed. Now, I admit to you that part of me was thinking, “I had to wait. You have to wait. You must suffer like I did!” But my more understanding self felt sorry for your poor soul that was sentenced to be stranded on that cold, lonely platform.

Luckily for you (and as I would find out in a moment, also luckily for me) the R train doors did miraculously open and you...

I have lived in New York City for almost three years now. Moving here from the Midwest, I had a lot of ideas about what New Yorkers were like. They were basically all wrong. Now, these misconceptions aren’t new and brilliant ideas. You’re not going to read this and think, “Oh, thank God we have Kacey here to tell us all this new information.” No. Many people have these misconceptions. But, I want to give you my insight into how New York functions.

1. New Yorkers are mean. Actually, they’re pretty nice most of the time. New Yorkers really just want their voices to be heard. Ask them a question as simple as, “How are you?” Most will take that question and run. You will have trouble getting them to stop talking.
   On that note, I totally get why people think New Yorkers are mean. Since moving here, I have become the meanest person I know. But, lets be real for a second. If I am exhausted...

I am a twenty-something trying to make it in New York City. How typical, right? I work as a Stage Manager in the crazy theater world. I also do this part time thing were I’m a barista.

I’ve had some crazy interactions with people here in the city. Some of these people brighten my day. Some of these people are just plain awful. Most are just idiots. I’m going to tell them how it is. It’s the least I can do. Here are my letters to you people, you people to whom it may concern.

You disgust me.

I hate seeing your face every morning.

I work at a coffee shop, bro. You are supposed to come in, get your damn coffee, and then leave. Seriously. Get out. I don’t need you hovering over me acting interested in my life.

Lets pretend for a second that I would have the slightest interest in dating you and that you aren’t actually married. Your pick up lines suck. Like the first day I met you when I asked if you wanted whip on your drink. The picture you painted me of your S&M fantasies were completely unnecessary. All I really needed was, “No, I don’t want whip cream.” The response you gave me was, “I could tell you a thing about whips and chains.” Completely unnecessary. And frankly pretty gross. You’re bald. Not even like a cute bald.

Seriously, your pick up lines suck. Here, let me refresh your memory:

Me: “What would you like this morning?”
You: “A short red...